**Before reading this… I highly reccomend you read the previous 3 posts as they are all a piece of my testimony – and each one builds off the previous. :) **
“Lord, I’ll get back home and I’ll act like a Christian. I don’t need to party anymore. I’ll be good. I am sorry for ruining people’s lives. I’m sorry, Lord. I’ll be better. I promise… I can earn your love.”
I didn’t comprehend that God’s love and grace that he offered to me were gifts – not meant to be earned. What is a gift? Something that is freely and willingly given to another. I felt I needed to earn God’s love. That I needed to be perfect, then things would be okay. Then I could be loved by God. Then I could be really “Christian-like”.
I was attending church most weekends, I met with the pastor to help my spirituality grow – and was introduced to Celebrate Recovery. What a blessing that was! I attended for awhile – but it was nearly impossible for me to open up. I would sit through the meal – alone in the corner; observing the fellowship happening around me. We would then proceed to worship. Finally, it was small group time. I could never get myself to leave from the “Welcome to CR this is what we are about 101″ group. I didn’t want to admit that I had struggles – I didn’t want to be judged. Each and every Friday night when Celebrate Recovery ended I would drive home I would cry out to God in my car – “What is WRONG with ME? Why can I not talk?! Lord, help me to trust these people. Help me to open up. Please Lord give me the strength. Lord, I am so stupid. Why do I sit in silence when thoughts race in my head? Ugh, what is wrong with me?! I am such a failure. I don’t belong here. I don’t deserve life. God, I am worthless. Don’t keep me around….”
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.
Continuing through my double life – Christian by day, partier by night – I was ready to escape again. I wanted room to breathe. I wanted “out”. The medication wasn’t working, alcohol would only “help” for so long, I hated how I looked, I hated how I acted, and I knew I shouldn’t be loved – I knew I didn’t deserve Christ to pay for my sins… because they were just that – MY sins…
An opportunity arose for me to leave the country on a travel study. I immediately fought to go! I praised God for bringing this adventure into my life. I was so thankful to the Lord …And I was ready to run from the hole I had dug myself into yet again. That seemed to be my mindset – and at times still is – “make a mistake, hate yourself for it, run from it and pretend like it never happened”.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
The travel study I was able to go on was with many other students and two “leaders”. I hated who I was – who I had become. I was upset at the thought of God loving me – I didn’t deserve it. The thoughts of suicide remained – the self harm didn’t cease, and the drinking continued. Since my previous attempts at leaving this world had failed – I had decided this trip would give me an opportunity to go – and never come back. I confided in one friend about this decision (who was not a Christian).
I was scared to leave – knowing I couldn’t take with me my most prized possessions (my razor blades and the “feel good” medicine that helped me escape). The friend I confided in agreed to take them for me and dispose of them – no questions asked. It was so difficult to do – but I knew I couldn’t bring them with – “I’ll just have to get a new supply when I get there…”
While preparing for the trip – I was still in contact with my Christian friends. They still shared Christ’s love with me – and still longed for me to break away from my old self. I continued to feel torn, living my two lives – with a separate mask for each one – never fully being myself… whoever that was...
As I continued to fall apart inside, my crumbling life began to be more noticeable than ever before to others around me – especially to the leader of our trip. The leader also needed (not sure if this was a need or a want – but I am gullible and can’t say “no” so I agreed to answer) to know if I was on any medication – and what medication I was bringing along (I still had medication for depression/anxiety – and also for insomnia). I wasn’t necessarily taking the medication “as prescribed” but figured I would pack it with-just incase.
I cried out, “I am slipping”, but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. Psalm 94:18
The adventures I was able to participate in were astonishing. I got to see so much of God’s creation and I was in awe. I was feeling inspired and encouraged! I attended a conference to rejuvenate the joy I initially had upon coming to Christ. It was amazing. I was feeling on top of the world! I wasn’t drinking (as much) – I was taking my medications appropriately, and was beginning to overcome my battle with self-harm. “Thank you Lord! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! Please continue to be alive in me – and help me to be more like Jesus.”
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13.
It wasn’t long and I was back at it… I was sucked back up into the party scene. Out we would go – drinking heavily, taking “party pills” and staying out all night. We were the “tourists” – we were “loved” by the crowds we joined – and it brought me back. I started longing for that feeling of being “loved” by the people around me rather than by my Father in Heaven. I was yearning for earthly friendships/relationships – forgetting about the relationship I had begun to know with God.
The leader noticed me slowly detaching myself from my joyful spirit. Eventually I was asked what was going on. I could only hide for so long – and then I spilled.
Broken. Hurt. Dirty. Worthless.
I opened up about *some* of my struggles- and admitted to the incident with my family member (my previous post “Running…” has the story). I felt like I was talking with someone I could trust. I felt safe…. I was wrong. The immediate response I received was, “Are you sure you didn’t ask for it?”
It was my fault. I knew it was all my fault. I am so pathetic. I ruined the family… I suck at life.
I FULLY blamed myself from that point. There was no doubt that it wasn’t my fault – but those words still cut me like a knife…. Replayed over and over in my head “Are you sure you didn’t ask for it?”… Did I? Did I make that happen? I must have… Oh God… I am such a screw up.
Something began to happen that I didn’t realize until much later… I began to trust this leader, I put my faith in him, rather than in God. He knew my deepest secret – he knew I screwed up, because what had happened was my fault… right? Crawling back into my hole, I once again became very vulnerable. This “leader” who was supposedly helping me escape my past – was creating a new horror for my future.
I was sexually assaulted – on more than one occasion. In the middle of the night I would wake up to him laying over me – he would confiscate my phone – kiss my neck, pursue me like I was his, undress me as I lay motionless – pretending to be asleep… My body would freeze. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I felt as though I was watching it unfold from a distance – like it wasn’t me in that body – it was someone else – someone struggling to get away.
As each night passed I became more and more restless. Afraid for when he would strike again. How was I supposed to get away? How do I make it stop? I trusted him! He knows my deepest secrets – if I get away he will expose me. I felt trapped. What I didn’t realize was that God was still waiting for me with open arms – even when I had my back turned to him. He longed for me to turn to Him – yet I continued to not fully trust in His ways. God provided a way for me to get away once again – and meet some of the most amazing and inspiring people I have ever met – Some life-long friends that would watch over me for the next few months. They didn’t know what had happened – and I wasn’t about to relive the memories or expose myself to them, but I knew I was safe. Once again I decided to pretend like nothing had ever happened… The memories would just disappear, wouldn’t they? “Thank-you Lord for introducing me to these people. Thank you for getting me out of the mess that I, once again, created… I love you Lord… and I’m going to figure out how to get this life thing right, I promise.
He has given us LIVING HOPE, an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade – kept in heaven for you! 1 Peter 1:3-4
This blog is definitely getting more and more difficult to write. I feel like I am exposing so much – letting go of so much that has been buried inside. It is only through God that I am able to continue on with my testimony. All the Glory be to Him!
God has given us such plentiful gifts – his love, hope, peace, grace, and mercy. He is always pursuing a relationship with us. Turn to Him, feel the comfort of His love. We are all sinners, we all fall short – however God continues to grant us this offering despite our sins – because HE LOVES US.
Turn to Christ, and never look back. He is there, waiting with open arms.
Saved in a Broken World † 