(T-Part 5) God is Love.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”         John 16:33 

How amazing is that?  I mean, really think about what is being said… “I have overcome the world”.  We will struggle, there is hurt, there is sickness and pain, but it’s going to be okay.  It really, TRULY is.  That is what God taught me through all of my pain and struggles.

**This will be the last part of my testimony.  In order for this blog to make sense, it would be wise to read the T-Part 1 through T-Part 4. **

Staying with the family helped to end the sexual assault.  I was extremely thankful.  Unfortunately, I didn’t think I needed to talk about what had happened to me – not even with God.  I felt embarrassment, guilt, and shame.  I knew God had known what I had done, but I still wanted to hide from Him.

When  I finally returned to the United States I ended up back in my college town.  Since I was most familiar with partying there, I decided to continue.  However, I was convicted each time I made wrong choices.  I would constantly be yelling at myself; “How could you do this to God?!  Stop it!  You’re so pathetic!  You need to grow up!  Ugh I hate you!”

Staying silent about the hurts I had became painful.  I longed to tell someone about what had happened.  I so badly wanted someone to tell me “It’s going to be okay.  It wasn’t your fault.”  I needed to feel “good enough”.  I had been used and I was broken.  NO ONE would ever want me…  “God, how can you love me? I am such a screw up, such a failure.  I am not good enough…  I will never be good enough…”

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.   Romans 8:38-39

Rather than listening to what God was telling me through His word about how much He does love me, I sought out tangible love – or at least what I thought was “love”.  While out drinking – any guy that would show any interest in me – I would go to them.  It was like a magnetic pull.  I thought they loved me.  They would buy me drinks – that’s love, right?  Then take complete advantage of my body, like they had dominion over it – and possibly give me a ride home the next day.  That was the “love” I could find, and that was the only “love” that I could feel.  That type of love seemed to be what made all guys happy…

(I was once told in a serious relationship (that took place before I gave my life to Christ) that in order for my boyfriend to love me, I needed to have sex with him.  When I disagreed with him – as I thought I deserved to be loved – I was told ALL MEN think that way – and “good luck” to me finding someone who didn’t think like that.  In that same relationship I was also told that alcohol was more important to my boyfriend than I was – my self worth was low prior to this – however after hearing those things from someone who loved me and I loved back – I believed it.  I knew it was true.  I was worthless.)

Continuing my search for “love” each weekend – I always came up feeling worse than before.  I pleaded with God daily “Lord, please forgive me.  Please forgive me for this mess I am in.  Lord, I want to fully rely on you, I want to trust you – please help me do that.  Lord, I love you.  Please, let me feel that you love me too.  God I’m broken.  I NEED you.  I can’t do this without you.  I can’t live without you.”  I finally cracked – I told God everything, I cried a lot – and yet felt so relieved to be honest with Him.  It wasn’t long after that when He led me to a church that was close to where I was living at the time.  He brought some amazing people into my life that prayed for me, and helped me to get on the right path, His path.  Through strength that He provided me with, I was able to talk to someone about what had happened.

Shortly after finding this church, I was also introduced to the person I now call my husband.  God truly blessed me with him!  We talked a lot about God – and he really helped me to grow in my relationship with Christ.  I knew that God was with me.  I FINALLY was beginning to listen to God and His truth.  I knew God loved me.  I believed that He did – and I began to accept that love from Him.

Life hasn’t been completely easy since then;  I still struggle.  I am still broken.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I am not the picture perfect Christian (nor do I believe there is one).  One thing I am absolutely sure of is that God was with me my ENTIRE journey.  He never left my side, he did NOT abandon me and I know He never will.  I was also not ready for God to change me. I was always praying He would change my circumstances.   I didn’t realize that His love was a GIFT.  I did not have to earn His love – and once I truly embraced that, I felt whole again.

“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist.  Return to me, for I have redeemed you.”  Isaiah 44:22

Jesus has already paid the price for our sins.  We have been forgiven.  God wants us to have a relationship with Him.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Reach out to Him.  Hold on, and never let go!  God knows your sin, and He is ready to forgive you.  Repent.  Turn to Him.

God is Love.

In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10

**The testimony part of my blog is complete (for now).  I did not discuss much of what happened prior to asking God into my life.  I may write about it at some point – however I plan to have my next few posts be more centered around what God is doing in my life today.  If this blog has helped you in any way, or if you have any type of feedback for me I would be so happy to hear it!  Feel free to leave a comment, or send me an e-mail (savedinabrokenworld@yahoo.com).  I want to leave you with a link to a video that a friend recently shared with me.  It is one of the most powerful videos I have ever seen, and basically is a good summary of my life and journey with Christ.  Please take the time to view it.  I promise you won’t be disappointed.   Click here to watch!!

Grace & Peace. <3

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(T-Part 4) – A Need for Love

**Before reading this… I highly reccomend you read the previous 3 posts as they are all a piece of my testimony – and each one builds off the previous.  :) **

“Lord, I’ll get back home and I’ll act like a Christian.  I don’t need to party anymore.  I’ll be good.  I am sorry for ruining people’s lives.  I’m sorry, Lord.  I’ll be better.  I promise… I can earn your love.”

I didn’t comprehend that God’s love and grace that he offered to me were gifts – not meant to be earned.  What is a gift?  Something that is freely and willingly given to another.  I felt I needed to earn God’s love.  That I needed to be perfect, then things would be okay.  Then I could be loved by God.  Then I could be really “Christian-like”.  

I was attending church most weekends, I met with the pastor to help my spirituality grow – and was introduced to Celebrate Recovery.  What a blessing that was!  I attended for awhile – but it was nearly impossible for me to open up.  I would sit through the meal – alone in the corner; observing the fellowship happening around me.  We would then proceed to worship.  Finally, it was small group time.  I could never get myself to leave from the “Welcome to CR this is what we are about 101″ group.  I didn’t want to admit that I had struggles – I didn’t want to be judged.  Each and every Friday night when Celebrate Recovery ended I would drive home I would cry out to God in my car – “What is WRONG with ME?  Why can I not talk?!  Lord, help me to trust these people.  Help me to open up.  Please Lord give me the strength.  Lord, I am so stupid.  Why do I sit in silence when thoughts race in my head?  Ugh, what is wrong with me?!  I am such a failure.  I don’t belong here.  I don’t deserve life.  God, I am worthless.  Don’t keep me around….”

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10.

Continuing through my double life – Christian by day, partier by night – I was ready to escape again.  I wanted room to breathe.  I wanted “out”.  The medication wasn’t working, alcohol would only “help” for so long, I hated how I looked, I hated how I acted, and I knew I shouldn’t be loved – I knew I didn’t deserve Christ to pay for my sins… because they were just thatMY sins…

An opportunity arose for me to leave the country on a travel study.  I immediately fought to go!  I praised God for bringing this adventure into my life. I was so thankful to the Lord …And I was ready to run from the hole I had dug myself into yet again.  That seemed to be my mindset – and at times still is – “make a mistake, hate yourself for it, run from it and pretend like it never happened”.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6  

 The travel study I was able to go on was with many other students and two “leaders”.  I hated who I was – who I had become.  I was upset at the thought of God loving me – I didn’t deserve it.  The thoughts of suicide remained – the self harm didn’t cease, and the drinking continued.  Since my previous attempts at leaving this world had failed – I had decided this trip would give me an opportunity to go – and never come back.  I confided in one friend about this decision (who was not a Christian).

I was scared to leave – knowing I couldn’t take with me my most prized possessions (my razor blades and the “feel good” medicine that helped me escape).  The friend I confided in agreed to take them for me and dispose of them – no questions asked.  It was so difficult to do – but I knew I couldn’t bring them with – “I’ll just have to get a new supply when I get there…”

While preparing for the trip – I was still in contact with my Christian friends.  They still shared Christ’s love with me – and still longed for me to break away from my old self.  I continued to feel torn, living my two lives – with a separate mask for each one – never fully being myself… whoever that was...

As I continued to fall apart inside, my crumbling life began to be more noticeable than ever before to others around me – especially to the leader of our trip.  The leader also needed (not sure if this was a need or a want  but I am gullible and can’t say “no” so I agreed to answer) to know if I was on any medication – and what medication I was bringing along (I still had medication for depression/anxiety – and also for insomnia).  I wasn’t necessarily taking the medication “as prescribed” but figured I would pack it with-just incase.

I cried out, “I am slipping”, but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.  Psalm 94:18

The adventures I was able to participate in were astonishing.  I got to see so much of God’s creation and I was in awe.  I was feeling inspired and encouraged!  I attended a conference to rejuvenate the joy I initially had upon coming to Christ.  It was amazing.  I was feeling on top of the world!   I wasn’t drinking (as much) – I was taking my medications appropriately, and was beginning to overcome my battle with self-harm.  “Thank you Lord!  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!  Please continue to be alive in me – and help me to be more like Jesus.”

 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.                      1 Corinthians 10:13.

It wasn’t long and I was back at it… I was sucked back up into the party scene.  Out we would go – drinking heavily, taking “party pills” and staying out all night.  We were the “tourists” – we were “loved” by the crowds we joined – and it brought me back.  I started longing for that feeling of being “loved” by the people around me rather than by my Father in Heaven.  I was yearning for earthly friendships/relationships – forgetting about the relationship I had begun to know with God.

The leader noticed me slowly detaching myself from my joyful spirit.  Eventually I was asked what was going on.  I could only hide for so long – and then I spilled.

Broken. Hurt. Dirty. Worthless. 

I opened up about *some* of my struggles- and admitted to the incident with my family member (my previous post “Running…” has the story).  I felt like I was talking with someone I could trust.  I felt safe…. I was wrong.  The immediate response I received was, “Are you sure you didn’t ask for it?”

It was my fault.  I knew it was all my fault.  I am so pathetic.  I ruined the family… I suck at life.

I FULLY blamed myself from that point.  There was no doubt that it wasn’t my fault – but those words still cut me like a knife…. Replayed over and over in my head “Are you sure you didn’t ask for it?”… Did I?  Did I make that happen?  I must have… Oh God… I am such a screw up.  

Something began to happen that I didn’t realize until much later… I began to trust this leader, I put my faith in him, rather than in God.  He knew my deepest secret – he knew I screwed up, because what had happened was my fault… right?   Crawling back into my hole, I once again became very vulnerable.  This “leader” who was supposedly helping me escape my past – was creating a new horror for my future.

I was sexually assaulted – on more than one occasion.  In the middle of the night I would wake up to him laying over me – he would confiscate my phone – kiss my neck, pursue me like I was his, undress me as I lay motionless – pretending to be asleep… My body would freeze.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move.  I felt as though I was watching it unfold from a distance – like it wasn’t me in that body – it was someone else – someone struggling to get away.

As each night passed I became more and more restless.  Afraid for when he would strike again.  How was I supposed to get away?  How do I make it stop?  I trusted him!  He knows my deepest secrets – if I get away he will expose me.  I felt trapped.  What I didn’t realize was that God was still waiting for me with open arms – even when I had my back turned to him.  He longed for me to turn to Him – yet I continued to not fully trust in His ways.  God provided a way for me to get away once again – and meet some of the most amazing and inspiring people I have ever met – Some life-long friends that would watch over me for the next few months.  They didn’t know what had happened – and I wasn’t about to relive the memories or expose myself to them, but I knew I was safe.  Once again I decided to pretend like nothing had ever happened…  The memories would just disappear, wouldn’t they?  “Thank-you Lord for introducing me to these people.  Thank you for getting me out of the mess that I, once again, created…   I love you Lord… and I’m going to figure out how to get this life thing right, I promise.  

He has given us LIVING HOPE, an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade – kept in heaven for you!                                   1 Peter 1:3-4

This blog is definitely getting more and more difficult to write.  I feel like I am exposing so much – letting go of so much that has been buried inside.  It is only through God that I am able to continue on with my testimony.  All the Glory be to Him!

 God has given us such plentiful gifts – his love, hope, peace, grace, and mercy.  He is always pursuing a relationship with us.  Turn to Him, feel the comfort of His love.  We are all sinners, we all fall short – however God continues to grant us this offering despite our sins – because HE LOVES US.

Turn to Christ, and never look back.  He is there, waiting with open arms.

(T-Part 3) – Running…

I felt like I was running.  I wasn’t sure whether I was running from something, or to something.  All I knew was that I was exhausted.  My life was slipping between my fingers, but I just kept running.

I continued to run and tried to grasp onto things that I hoped could save me from the downward spiral I was in.  I held on to alcohol, friends, relationships, medicine, people’s promises, and what I thought was “love”.  I was sure I could save myself, I got myself into the mess, wasn’t it my responsibility to get myself out?  “God, I’m sorry – this is all my fault – you don’t need to help me with this mess – I can do it myself”

I was making the poor decisions, no one was making me.

chose to live like I was – I deserved what was happening.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  Psalms 34:18

I was so lost, and so broken.  One day-I would reach out for help – seeking a counselor, friend, ANYONE to talk to.  The next day, I would run from all the help I was offered – scared of the changes it might bring.  The depression and self-harm worsened.  I didn’t want to live like I was – but I saw no way out.  Suicidal thoughts raced through my mind constantly.  I didn’t want to live anymore – I was failing miserably at life – and I figured “what’s the point?  I ruin everything anyways… I am not good enough for this life.  I don’t deserve to live. God doesn’t even want me.”  

With the depression growing, and the drinking continuing – the attempts to leave this world arose.  Thankfully, I was never successful – God had other plans.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

The plans He had were for me to FINALLY seek professional help – for the very first time.  It wasn’t going to be easy, but I was ready for a change – and I had support from my Christian friends – unfortunately my boyfriend did not agree with them – he was more on the side of “fix it yourself, you don’t need someone else to help fix your problems”.

It required me to leave town and live somewhere else for awhile.  I prayed for God to be with me – and I left.  Shaking, scared, &  restless from lack of sleep – I met with a counselor.  I had family members with me, encouraging me, telling me it would be okay.  After weeks of counseling – I was getting nowhere.  My life was continuing to unravel.  I had good days where I felt that I could put all my trust in the Lord.  Then I had bad days – where I decided to carry the cross myself.  In the midst of all that was happening – my boyfriend and I ended our long-term relationship.  I was devastated.  The family members who were supporting me decided to give me some of their medicine to calm me from the storm I was in.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was not the support I needed.

Time didn’t stop.  I continued to run.  I ran to the family members for protection, in hopes of being saved.  “God I need you, where are you?  I am so lost.”  I was encouraged (by family members) to continue to run to them, to stay away from certain people, and to count on them for everything.  “It’s ok God – with the help of the family members I think we have this under control… ”  I felt so incredibly loved.  Unfortunately, it led to an unhealthy love – as a family member took advantage of me – someone that I trusted – that I looked to for love.  

Ashamed. Dirty. Unloved. Worthless. Hopeless. Broken. Hurt. 

I was no good.  I felt I had no worth.  I was told that I ruined lives, that everything was my fault – and I believed that.  I blamed myself – and continued on the downward spiral.

“God, how is this happening? I became a Christian, I asked you into my life, what is going on?  I don’t want to live this way.  I want to get out.  I need to get out.  Lord HELP me…”

I was scared.

The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help.  He rescues them from all their troubles.  Psalm 34:17

Thankfully, God provided me with a way to leave, and I went back to the mess I had left behind.  Back to old friends, back to the party life, back to the Christian life – and while I went back – I went back with all smiles.  “If I just pretend like nothing happened, I can just forget about it – no one needs to know. It was my own fault anyway – I should be punished for it.  I’m sorry God for ruining people’s lives, I’m sorry for wrecking families, for making people do bad things to me.  It’s my fault God, and I’m sorry…”

I was so confused as to what was happening in my life.  However – with all that was happening, I had a small hope.  This hope was in Christ Jesus.  It was the hope that sparked in me the night I gave my life to Christ.  It was a hope that made me think that maybe, just maybe I was loved.  Even though I screwed up, even though I sinned over and over again, even though I was scarred and beaten – there was a shimmer of hope that I was loved.  Something inside me held onto that hope – the only hope that hadn’t failed me yet.

The LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.  Psalm 147:11

After reading this post, you may feel that God abandoned me during this time.  That was definitely not the case.  I believe that, much like when the Israelites were slaves in Egypt awaiting deliverance – He wanted me to fully and whole-heartedly rely on Him.  I didn’t truly believe that He could help me – I cried to Him – but rather than let Him help, I reached to the people around me.  I will continue to write as often as I can to finish my testimony and move on to how God is working in my life today.  I pray that as you read this blog you don’t look at it as things that I went through – but more so as what God has done in my life.  How God doesn’t give up – He doesn’t abandon you.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

As I finish up this post I want to encourage you to hold onto that tiny bit of hope.  I can promise you – God won’t turn his back on you.  He won’t turn away because of your sin, your sin has been forgiven already.  Let Him into your life.

Rest in His hands, and hold on tight to your hope in the Lord.

(T-Part 2) – Saved… and still a Sinner

You’re a Christian?

You must be perfect. I bet you never do anything wrong. Your parents must be so proud. You never make mistakes! Your life must be so easy! You’re probably always so happy. I bet you’re never sad. You don’t care what people think of you. I bet you love your body just the way it is! I’m sure you’re always right. You must be a great role model. You NEVER sin.

Lies, lies, lies!

I feel like so many people who are not truly familiar with Christians just assume that we are perfect. They assume we never make mistakes and that life is just peachy! The fact of the matter is… Christians are FAR from perfect. They do not have their lives pulled together and planned out. Christians are Christians because we realize that we are indeed not perfect. We understand that we can’t get through this life without God. We are grateful for a Father who loves us unconditionally – so much that He sent His only son to pay the price for ALL of our sins. As Christians we know that we are sinners and fall short of who God wants us to be. We become more aware of the sin in this world, and of the sin that we have in our own lives – and we repent.

With that being said… Christians can sometimes portray themselves as “perfect”. (I am SO guilty of this!) I put this mask on and pretend that my life is great, that I always do the right thing, and that I’m just oh-so-very-happy! Why? Why am I (we) pretending that we are something that we’re truly not. Did we forget why we turned to Christ in the first place?

I am hoping this blog can help me open up and relay the message to Christians that we need to tear the wall down, stop hiding behind a mask, and be honest with ourselves and with others about the sin in our lives. I am hoping this blog can also help me relay the message to non-Christian’s that they CAN be saved – no matter the sin in their lives.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst. 1 Timothy 1:15

I believe that part of me didn’t want to be saved by something I couldn’t see/touch. I think I was scared – and it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. I was more comfortable in the party scene – where I could “drink away” all of my problems, make bad choices, wake up with a headache and wonder “what did I do last night?” “where am I?” “who is that?“.

The weeks after I was saved were pure bliss! I was so full of joy – I felt like I could just yell out to all nations – Love GOD – He will change your life! After those few short weeks – things changed. I never left my “old” friends. I wasn’t willing to leave the party scene permanently, I yearned to go back to it… so I did. I was more comfortable there – and I don’t think I truly believed that God LOVED me. I mean, how could He? I wasn’t doing anything right. I continued to meet with the wonderful woman who led me to Christ, however I also lived my party life. I wanted both lives. I wanted to have faith, but I also longed for that feeling of being “loved” by others – which I was able to get in the party scene. Thus began a whole new struggle for me – I was convicted EVERY time I turned back into my old self – which led to an even larger hatred for myself.

I would try to hide my “party life” from my Christian friends – and hide my “Christian life” from my party friends. I put a mask on for both of my friend groups – and for myself. No one knew who I really was – not even myself. With this struggle and this hatred for myself – (remember this was all AFTER I was saved) brought on depression. I felt so low – I didn’t care what happened to me. I was given medication for the depression/anxiety and decided it was okay to abuse it – take as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted – or none at all. I met friends who introduced me to their medication as well – I was never into drugs that we hear most often about (marijuana, meth, heroin) but I loved the feeling after getting this new medication into my body – whether it be by swallowing it, or snorting it. I began to struggle more and more with self-harm (which began during high school). I was just digging myself into this deep, dark hole. I wanted God – but I hated who I was/had been. If I hated me, He must really hate me too, right?

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved — Ephesians 2: 4-5

Well guess what? He didn’t/doesn’t hate me, not even a little bit – and he doesn’t hate YOU either! In fact it’s quite the opposite – He LOVES us with a deep everlasting love!

Let Him love you.

(T-Part 1) – Saved by Grace.

I’m not perfect. I’m never going to be. I screw up, a lot. I don’t measure up. I fail daily. I get upset. I hurt others (unintentionally). I have bad days… REALLY bad days. Sometimes I don’t want to be around people. I get upset at myself numerous times throughout a day for any given reason. I am selfish. I get depressed. I have a difficult time accepting “me”. I make mistakes. I am not always loving, especially towards those I love the most.

I am NOT perfect…..

BUT I am SAVED. In February of 2010 I was a broke, lost, unhealthy college student. I worked 3 jobs, took 21 credits, and still had no CLUE what I was doing. I was failing miserably at life – I was unhappy and was turning in the wrong direction looking for a savior. I was reaching for anyone/anything that could save me from the life I was living. Fortunately for me – God had a plan. I was raised Catholic – but I never understood church. I knew there was a God – but that was the extent of my knowledge. I had memorized the prayers, I knew how to respond at the appropriate time while attending mass, and I knew when to kneel, sit and stand. I “believed” in God – but didn’t have a relationship with Him – and quite honestly I don’t think I cared to. My life was that exactly… MY life.

In December 2009 I reached out to an old high school friend. I knew she believed in God and her facebook made her seem like she was on top of the world so I figured “hey, maybe she’s got the secret to life”. I talked to her – and before I knew it she had spoke with other girls at my college about me. Initially – I was FURIOUS. I was such a private person – it took AGES for me to tell anyone ANYTHING, and I confided in this girl and BAM… She goes out to tell people about me (people that I didn’t even know). Well, the girls that she told found me. They wanted to talk, they wanted to pray for me and be with me, they wanted my friendship. I knew I didn’t fit in. They were “perfect” and I was a screwed up mess – what in the WORLD were they doing talking to me, and not only talking, but pursuing me.

I blew them off more than once. I didn’t answer phone calls, I chose to go out drinking rather than stay to chat and pray with them. I would find excuses as to why I couldn’t see them – but they were RELENTLESS. Finally, I cracked. I needed to know why they were so interested in me. Why did they LOVE me when they KNEW I was not a good person? Why did they want to help me so much? I mean – I always loved helping people but there was only so much you could do when that person continued to shut you out, right? Weeks went by as I learned that they all shared a love for Christ. They continued to tell me they were praying for me, and that my sin has been forgiven. That I was LOVED more than I could EVER comprehend.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39

What? Why would God love me? I am broken. He is PERFECT. Shouldn’t he love things that are perfect?

Jesus said, “It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick”… “For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:11-13.

I didn’t understand, I couldn’t comprehend. I had so many questions, and I was so confused. I began to trust the ladies who were teaching me about Christ. I confided in one of them – and it felt so good to hear that even with all I had done, God still loved me. After many many tears, laughs, nights spent up all night praying, talking, reading scripture, and sharing – in February 2010 while I was on my way home from reading scripture with a friend and praying with her I cried out to God in my car. Crying for His help, for His mercy and grace. It was that night that I decided to give my life to Christ. I have been saved in this broken world. But my story doesn’t end there – it has hardly just begun. Life didn’t become “perfect” because I was saved… quite the contrary actually. Little by little, piece by piece I will share my journey and walk with Christ in this broken world. There has been many ups and downs – I have stumbled multiple times – but God doesn’t give up. I hope that my story can help others realize that no matter WHAT you have done in your life, no matter how “bad” you believe your sin is- GOD LOVES YOU. He wants you to know Him. He WANTS a relationship with YOU! You are BEAUTIFUL!

Trust in Him.